i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
