i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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