Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
