Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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