he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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