ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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