If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you traded sex for a burrito?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
