I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
