Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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