Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
