I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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