I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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