There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
