grandma shit on top of the toilet
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
