He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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