Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Are my feet made of real feet?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize