the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
