You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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