We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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