My friends, they love my intelligence
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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