She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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