my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
