Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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