Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
