there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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