The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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