I'm passing your future prison.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
