I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
