I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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