Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Still dying that you shit outside
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
