Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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