Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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