I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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