Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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