i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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