i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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