i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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