i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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