I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
