i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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