I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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