so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Randomize
