I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
