I'm gonna have a badass scar
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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