If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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