We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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