I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
