Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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