Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
