Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize