It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
