At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
