You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I need moral support for this bender
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
