If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
