i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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