I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize