I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
