I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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