I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
